


Out

by Comrade Sakaki (Quantin_of_the_Lethe)



Series: Comrade Sakaki's Azumanga Daioh Canon [9]
Category: Azumanga Daioh
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Post-Canon, Trans Female Character, trans!sakaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quantin_of_the_Lethe/pseuds/Comrade%20Sakaki
Summary: Now in college, Sakaki makes the decision that since she's living comfortably as a transgirl, it's time to tell the people in her life that she trusts the most.Chapters will be more drabble-sized.
Relationships: Kagura/Takino Tomo, Kaorin/Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh), Mizuhara "Yomi" Koyomi/Takino Tomo
Series: Comrade Sakaki's Azumanga Daioh Canon [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2013553
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. One July Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been a loooooooooong time coming. I've been wanting to write this since I started writing AzuDai fiction. I think I'm at a point in my fancanon where I can now, and have it make sense.
> 
> Oh, content warning for needles in this chapter.

[[S: Injection](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS2dlTVap9Y)]

The procedure had become rote to Sakaki at this point, something she'd done every Sunday for the last eight years of her life. This time, though, the spectacle surrounding the procedure felt different.

Her mom had forced her to keep her transness under a lock and key. She was to present as aggressively cis as humanly possible. Tucking with the strongest tape possible, wearing a gaff underneath her kitty panties, sports bras to hide the (now very faint) surgical scars. And she was absolutely to keep her medical routine out of the sight of anyone and anything. Now, in college and living alone with her cat, Maya, she could shed those shackles entirely. She could embrace who she was to the fullest extent possible, no longer kept to the boundaries set by her mother.

The first thing she had done after she moved in, was take her gaffs outside and burn them.

This morning, she put on the tape she'd always put on for this occasion–a post-punk mixtape–and sat right in the middle of the living room. She'd always had to listen to this tape on a Walkman, and quietly so as not to alert her mother. Today, she put it on her main player. As the rapid rhythms sped up, the raucous chorus washing over her, she drew a syringe full of the clear liquid that'd kept her sane for so many years. Exchanged the needle–one for drawing, for one for injection. Tied off her leg and, avoiding the vein as much as possible, stuck herself. It still had that bite to it, like a bee sting, that she'd never really gotten used to. She gritted her teeth slightly as she slowly drew up to make sure there wasn't any blood, and then depressed the syringe, filling her thigh with estrogen. She took an alcohol wipe, wrapped it around the part of the needle that met her flesh, and pulled out. Perfect job. She'd only made herself bleed once, when she was 10, and never again.

After taking her injection for the week, it was time for the weekly shave-down. And after that, time to get dressed for the day.

She stood in the mirror and looked at herself. High school had been really rough for her dysphoria. She'd frequently felt like the other students saw through her, hence why they always referred to her as cool and masculine, which had caused more than one existential crisis. But now, fresh out of high school, she somehow felt brand-new. This was a chance for her to own herself for the first time in her life. She didn't feel any pressure here–in fact, she felt no pressure. She'd already gotten her hair done for the first time in her life, cutting it down to about the same length as Yomi's and doing almost a decade's worth of maintenance on it. She had decided to wear glasses again--her vision was never great, and her mom's comments about how masculine they made her look made her stop wearing them entirely--and chose the same style as Yomi's, but with black plastic rims than thin metal ones. She was comfortable with her weight and height for once. On this fine July morning, she decided to wear a cute summer dress. Kitty panties, bra (and an actual one this time!), dress, shoes, glasses. She tucked up her bangs with a kitty beret that Kaorin had given her as a going-away present.

Kaorin...she wondered how she was doing. They'd grown so close over the course of their years together, but since graduation it'd been radio silence. Tomo was the only one who seemed to have an idea, and she kept mum on the topic to a frustrating degree. Something had happened, and Sakaki worried about her, but always contented herself with the answer that, well, when Kaorin felt it was time to reach out, she would.

She gathered her school materials, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, for the uninitiated: gaffs are basically a fancy kind of underwear some trans women use to keep our...ahem...area as 'flat'-looking as possible.


	2. Yomi

_about a month later..._

"Hey, Yomi!"

Sakaki called out to her friend as they passed by each other on opposite sides of the street. She saw her look around for who was calling her name. You'd think Sakaki would be easy to spot, but it took her a bit to pick her out from the crowd. As soon as she saw her, though, she hurriedly found a crosswalk and made her way over to Sakaki's position.

"Hey, Sakaki!" Yomi said. "You look...wow, you look different!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you got your hair done up, and you're wearing glasses now!"

Sakaki smiled. "I felt like it was time for a new start."

"Yeah," Yomi said. "Yeah." The two girls stood there for a few seconds. "What are, uh, what're you up to?"

"Oh, just finding something to eat before work."

"Veterinary school, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Mind if I come with?"

"Not at all!" They walked to a sandwich shop about two blocks down. The biggest differences about Yomi that Sakaki noted right away were that she wasn't sucking in her stomach anymore, she was standing about three inches taller, and she didn't seem significantly heavier.

"You're looking good these days," she said.

"Yeah, Tomo's been helping a lot."

"Yeah? How so?"

Yomi shrugged as she took a mouthful of sandwich. "Dunno how she does it. We just started talking, and then she and Kagura talked about it, and when she came back she started making me eat at dinner."

"How're you now?"

"Happier with myself, honestly."

"She can be persuasive."

"Very," Yomi said with a small laugh. "So, what've you been up to since high school? You're quite different as well."

"Oh? I didn't notice." Really, she hadn't. Yomi's comment kind of caught her off-guard.

"Yeah, I mean, besides appearance. You're a lot more...open. Out, if you will."

Sakaki stopped eating and stared at Yomi. Her friend's face gave away that she knew exactly what she was saying. Yomi smirked. "I'm intuitive. I also know when to keep my mouth shut."

"How–"

"That's not important." She took Sakaki's hand into hers. "What _is_ important is that even if society isn't going to accept you, I am. Does anyone else know?" Sakaki shook her head. "Not even Kaorin?" She blushed a bit, then felt sad that Kaorin hadn't contacted her yet. "No, I'm afraid not."

"I assume you'll want to tell the others when you're ready to?"

She nodded in the affirmative. Yomi made a lip-sealing gesture. "Not a word." She looked at her phone. "I need to get going now," she said. Before heading the opposite direction Sakaki was going, she looked at her one last time and said, "Hey, Sakaki?"

"Yeah?"

"You look happier now." And with a smile, she headed off.


	3. Tomo

_a week later..._

Sakaki looked at her phone, then at her surroundings. Yeah, she was at the place Tomo said to meet her, deep in the heart of Nichoke. But where _was_ Tomo? It was cold, and she didn't want to be out for much longer. She'd always hated how loud and crowded it was here, even if it was where...girls like her were able to live a little more openly than in the world beyond.

"Lost, gorgeous?" came a familiar voice from the alley. Sakaki spun around to see Tomo Takino leaning against the wall. She was wearing a policeman's jacket and cap, but there the uniform ended. Underneath that she was wearing a _very_ tight leather top and miniskirt, black boots reaching up to her knees. She was picking underneath her fingernails with a utility knife. A small orange glow was the only sign of her cigarette.

"Tomo!" Sakaki cheered. Tomo smiled, stamped out her cigarette, and gave the taller girl a massive bear hug. Sakaki looked her up and down for a second. "I, uh..."

"Oh, you get the friend discount, don't you worry," Tomo said coyly. Sakaki blushed furiously. "That's, uh, not what I–"

"I'm teasing, I'm teasing," the wildcat said, punching her lightly in the arm. "C'mon, I know a place that's quiet."

They walked through the alleys and side streets, eventually finding their way onto a pretty much deserted road. Tomo sat down against the side of the building, and encouraged Sakaki to do the same. She offered Sakaki her carton. "Cig?" she asked. Sakaki shook her head. Tomo took one out, popped it into her mouth, and with one fluid motion lit it with a Zippo she kept stashed in her bra.

"So, what's been up with you?" Tomo asked. "Not like you to willingly socialize. Like this, anyway."

 _We'll work our way up to that topic,_ she thought. "Oh, nothing much. School. Work."

"Yeah, vet tech, right?"

"Yeah."

"You were always meant for that." Tomo said it with a small hint of...was it jealousy? "I guess I was always meant for this."

"And what, exactly, is 'this'?" Sakaki asked. Tomo sighed. "It took me exactly five days to realize I don't want to ever be a cop. I don't even want to see, or be perceived by, cops for the rest of my life."

"Wow, what caused the shift?"

"It'd always been that way. I just said I wanted to be a cop so Yomi'd get off my back about it."

"What do you actually want to do?" Tomo took a long drag, then sighed deeply. "I don't know anymore. I feel rootless. So now I'm doing this," she said, gesticulating at her general getup, "because someone needs to pay the bills. Yomi's in school full-time and Kagura's off competing somewhere every other week. I'm terribly lonely all the time. Might as well...you know...make money and not feel so lonely all the time." She looked positively miserable. "But it's awful work. Most of the time it's weird men who pay me ridiculous sums for my underwear. Fine by me, I guess. But other times it's not so pleasant."

"I bet." Sakaki was extremely worried about her friend. Tomo looked like she'd aged seven years in the last couple of months.

"Yeah, well, at least I was able to use my connections to get Kaorin somewhere safe."

"Wait...what do you mean, 'somewhere safe'?"

Tomo was silent. Her expression read that she had just said something she shouldn't have.

"Tomo..." Sakaki said threateningly.

"I made a promise," Tomo said with terrifying calmness, unfazed by Sakaki's tone. "She'll contact you when she's ready. She's safe. That's all you need to know." She took another drag. "I gave her your phone number, after all."

Sakaki turned pink. _Tomo remembers my phone number...?_

The two girls sat there in silence for a few minutes. Sakaki decided it was finally time to talk about It.

"Hey, uh, Tomo...there's something I want to tell you."

"Anything."

"I'm...I'm trans."

Tomo sat there for a minute. "As in, you have a...?" She made a crude gesture with her right hand, as only Tomo would.

"Y-yeah."

Tomo cracked a smile. "That's hot."

Sakaki blushed. "Eh heh...well, I thought that now that we're out of high school, I should be more open about who I...who I am, you know, and–" Her ramble was cut off by Tomo kissing her. "Quiet, you, it's okay, you don't have to explain yourself."

"Do you...do you..." Sakaki was trembling. "Do you still accept me?"

Tomo looked almost offended. "Of course I do, you dumbass cat, why wouldn't I?! All of us in our little gang have some sort of trauma or secret or other, why can't you? You're still the Sakaki I knew in high school, I literally couldn't give less of a shit that you have a dick." She put out her light. "I'm getting tired, wanna crash at our place tonight?"

She thought about it a moment. "Sure."

Tomo smiled wickedly. "Alright, but I have dibs on having you in _my_ room tonight."

Sakaki laughed. "Sure thing, wildcat."


	4. Kagura

Sakaki had to get up super early in order to make it to work on time. She slunk out of Tomo's bed and tried to be as quiet as possible. Not that she really had to. A freight train couldn't wake that girl up. In fact, she _sounded_ like a freight train with the way she was snoring.

 _Hmm,_ she thought. _Maybe I should take a shower first._

She was amazed at how much bigger the bathroom Tomo, Yomi, and Kagura had was than her's. _I mean, I guess it makes sense, there's three of them and one of me._ But for the first time she actually _fit_ underneath the showerhead. And it was adjustable! How fancy-shmancy.

One very good shower later, she threw open the shower curtain. There, brushing her teeth, previously very sleepy and now very much awake, was Kagura.

"GYAH!" Kagura screamed. "SAKAKI, WHAT THE–!"

"I'M SORRYYYYY!" Sakaki wailed. _Oh God, had Kagura *seen–?*_

She grabbed a towel and hid in the shower. Commotion started occurring outside the bathroom.

"Wha's goin' onnnn?" said a bleary-eyed Yomi, barely able to see straight without her glasses.

"I HAVE BUSINESS WITH TOMO!" Kagura yelled.

"Oh? At...6 in the morning?"

"YES!" She barged into her girlfriend's room, and Sakaki could hear her yell something that sounded like, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SAKAKI WAS _PACKING HEAT!_ " Sakaki turned a deep red, and glanced down at herself. _I didn't think I was *that* big..._

"SHE'S _WHAT_?!" came Tomo's voice. "WHY WOULD YOU THINK _I_ KNEW THAT?"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FUCKED HER LAST NIGHT, DUMBASS!"

"I'M THE ONE WHO–WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?! NO, I DIDN'T!"

Brief pause.

"Oh." She could hear Kagura sheepishly leave Tomo's room.

"Hey, uh, um, Sakaki?" Kagura said, gently knocking on the door. "Uh, sorry about that..."

"It's okay, just...do what you need to do."

"Well, I was gonna take a shower..."

"Oh." Sakaki bundled herself in a towel and emerged from the shower, thoroughly embarrassed.

"Heyyy, I like what you've done with your hair!" Kagura said. She then glanced away quickly. It was pretty obvious that seeing Sakaki naked was not gonna leave her mind anytime soon.

"Er, thanks." She quickly gathered up her things as Kagura ran the water. Yomi stopped her on her way out.

"Hey, again, sorry about this."

"It's okay, really."

"I thought they'd gotten over this type of...chicanery."

"If Yukari taught us anything, it's that you can be 30 and still a kid."

"Heh," Yomi said. "True."

And with that, Sakaki left for work.


	5. Ayumu and Chiyo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is kind of a placeholder for now. I really, *really* want to write Kaorin's chapter now, but it needs to be the last one, so I'm skipping over Ayumu and Chiyo for now.
> 
> Oh, and I'm going to start referring to Osaka as Ayumu wherever possible.

"Oh, ah already knew," Ayumu said over the phone.

"Oh. Well, then, uh..."

"Yeah. It's all cool n' stuff, Sakaki. Want me to tell Chiyo when she gets home?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Alright, nice. Well, nice talkin' to ya."


	6. Kaorin

Months passed. The spring morphed into summer. The gang's last trip to Chiyo's summer home had wrapped up a few days earlier. Chiyo was off to Los Angeles for her first year of college. Tomo was still a proud member of the lumpenproletariat, although she was doing work through like five different gig economy apps instead of selling underwear in back alleys to tourists. Kagura was making her way towards being a professional athlete. Life motored on as normal.

But for Sakaki, she'd been mentally preoccupied with another matter. Ever since she came out to Tomo, she'd wondered what had happened to Kaorin. Tomo said during the summer trip that Kaorin was up north somewhere, studying astronomy. She tried piecing together the information she knew. Tomo had sent her north for a reason, using some vague 'connections'. She also said that Kaorin was safe, and had Sakaki's number. Obviously this was not good enough for Sakaki. She cared about Kaorin. A lot. Like, a _lot_ a lot. And not knowing what had happened to her was intensely worrying.

And so, as she rode the bus to school on a morning not much different than the one she woke up on and decided to come out to her friends, she made a plan. Japan is a big country, and the information was scant, but she was going to _find_ her, dammit. She was going to find her Kaorin. She made a list of every national university that could be construed as being in the 'north' that also had a planetary science program. She plotted them out on a map. She found her work schedule–thanks to being a student, there wasn't too much fluidity–and starting blocking out weekends to start looking. She'd start in the far north, in Sapporo, and work her way down. Hokkaido would require a plane ride, so it'd be easier to have the biggest trip be first and get that over with. Hmm...she didn't want to make that trip in the winter. She didn't have any winter clothing. Best go in the early fall, which meant she had about two weeks to plan and gather the funds to make the trip.

The gang still met up quite regularly, to the best of their schedules. Ayumu had gotten a job at a bookstore not far from where she was studying and was apparently doing quite well; she'd heard a rumor she was on the shortlist to be named manager. Kagura was still doing sports and studying psychology. Yomi was top of her class. Tomo was even talking about starting school the next year if she kept working.

Every time they met up, they'd ask Sakaki what was going on in her life. How was school? Work? Maya? Fine, fine, fine, she'd respond, but it wasn't the whole truth. There was a hole in her soul, one that could only be fixed by finding the person who'd meant so much to her in their high school days.

"Got any trips planned?" Tomo asked, downing a hamburger in two bites.

"Oh, maybe. I'm thinking of taking one to Sapporo in a few weeks," Sakaki replied. Tomo stopped eating.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah."

"Well, um, have fun."

"Not jealous, are you?" she teased. Tomo put on a pouty face. "NO, I'm NOT!" She went back to hunching over her second hamburger like a little goblin.

"It's okay, I'm only going for the weekend, it's not a full trip," Sakaki laughed. "I'll see if I can bring you back something."

"You better," Tomo muttered, then made a yelping noise. Yomi had pinched her, a new, more discreet way of punishing her brat in public that she'd recently mastered. She glared at Yomi, then housed her fries.

"Sapporo should be fun," Ayumu said. "It's cold up there, though."

"I know, which is why I'm going when I am. Any later, and I'd have to buy winter clothing."

"Have fun, though!" Kagura said cheerfully.

Sakaki looked out the window. "Oh, I'm going to try."

* * *

She was about to leave when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You're going to look for her, aren't you?"

She sighed. "Look, Tomo, I...I need to."

"I could tell something was up." She pulled out a familiar box. "Cig?"

"No, thanks."

"You know, it's funny," the wildcat said, lighting up.

"What is?"

"How madly in love with her you are."

Sakaki felt her face heat up. She felt the words _I'm not_ form in her throat, and immediately she felt bad about it. Was it truthful? Was she in love with Kaorin? There was no doubt that Kaorin was in love with her. She thought back, and she remembered.

The first time they looked at the stars together, after that stupid class dance.

The walks home from school they started doing.

The time her mom actually relented and let Kaorin come over, and they played fighting games until Kaorin's head was resting on Sakaki's shoulder, fast asleep.

The time that Kaorin caught a frog on their way to school one drizzly morning.

The time Kaorin gave her a flower of _cleyera japonica_.

The time she took Kaorin to see the Tokyo Metropolitan play Holst's _The Planets_ and Scriabin's Symphony No. 2 for her birthday.

The time Kaorin drew a picture of Maya for her.

The way Kaorin made sure to jump in every puddle on rainy days.

The way Kaorin would look at her in class.

The way Kaorin stopped calling her 'cool' and started calling her 'cute' because she learned it made her uncomfortable.

The way Kaorin would smile.

The way Kaorin would laugh.

The way Kaorin would say her name.

The way Kaorin would...the way Kaorin would...the way Kaorin would...

"Hey," Tomo said, jarring her out of her thoughts. "You're crying." She handed Sakaki a tissue. The tall girl hadn't even noticed that she was crying. She wiped blindly at her face. Tomo said, "You know, I wouldn't have suggested you go looking for her, but you do you. I'll tell you one thing, though. And only one." She leaned in really close and in a bare whisper said,

"Hang around Nakajimakoendori Station at about 9 pm three Fridays from now." And with that, her friend slipped into the shadows.

* * *

As she landed in Hokkaido, she felt her stomach trying to escape her body. Kaorin had no idea she was coming to find her, if she was even there. Tomo hadn't said that waiting around Nakajimakoendori Station at 9 pm was going to yield a Kaorin. She just said to wait there. What if Kaorin wasn't there? Or, worse, what if Kaorin...what if Kaorin didn't want to _see_ her? What if she'd found a new life? What if she'd started dating other girls and Sakaki was the one treating her emotions too seriously the whole time? What if Kaorin hated her now?

About an hour later she found herself in a park across from the station. The sidewalk had a bench that gave a perfectly reasonable vantage point of the street. She stewed in her thoughts even more. Her heart was pounding. Every moderately tall woman that passed by nearly gave her a heart attack.

Then, she saw her. It was her. It was absolutely her.

She was walking alone from the observatory, towards the street. She'd forgotten to wear a hat and had a different haircut now than she did in high school, but Sakaki knew that body outline, walk, and "Dear GOD it's cold!" anywhere. It was _her_.

She reached the main street, then started walking down the sidewalk away from Sakaki. She was about a dozen meters away. Now was her chance. Sakaki got up, and started walking fast.

"Kaori?" she called out.

The girl turned around and looked directly at her. Sakaki started to run.

"Sa...Sakaki?" asked Kaorin quietly, in disbelief. This wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

"KAORI!"

"SAKAKI!"

They ran at each other, full tilt, Kaorin leaping into Sakaki's outstretched arms, screaming with joy.

"Oh my God, SAKAKI!" she yelled. "I thought...I thought..."

"I thought I'd never see you again," Sakaki cried. "Oh my stars, Kaori..." She smiled through the tears as she looked at her sweetheart in the eyes, eyes she had missed so very badly.

"Did you...did you come _looking for me?_ " asked Kaorin, also crying.

"My heart needed you, it couldn't stand being away from you, I–"

Kaorin interrupted her with a kiss. And not on the cheek. This was a full-on, full-body, time-stopping, world-melting-away-around-us kiss, conveying four years of buried desire and hidden passion. Sakaki's mind exploded, her hands holding Kaorin against her body, pressing themselves together. She felt their hearts racing, their minds soaring through the night sky.

"I didn't know when I'd ever see you, I'd lost the number Tomo gave me, I should've called you, I'm so sorry," Kaorin apologized vociferously. Sakaki held her. "Sh, sh, the important thing is I'm here, you're here."

"Yeah. Y-yeah. God, you're _here_ , in my _arms_ , I'm the happiest girl in the world, I'm the happiest girl in the _world_..."

"I'm getting cold, I'd love to go someplace to warm up," Sakaki said.

"It's pretty late, not many places are open other than bars, but it's Friday night so I don't have anything going on tomorrow."

"I was thinking..." Sakaki leaned in close. "Maybe your bed? Show you how much I've _really_ missed you?"

Kaorin giggled, as she did when she was flustered. "Oh my, Sakaki, right down to business, are we?"

"I just have so much passion pent up...it needs to be released..."

"God, I do too..."

"Heavens, I wish I was staying for more than the weekend."

"Come up here for the winter holiday!"

"Really? You mean that?"

"Yeah! It's not like I'm doing anything else."

"A winter holiday with my sweetest love..."

Kaorin held Sakaki's hand. "A veritable dream come true."

"Shall we go?" Sakaki pointed forward, into the night, into the future, a future with Kaorin by her side. Hopefully forever.

Kaorin smiled at her. "Into yonder."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, this chapter felt good to write.


End file.
